Monday, August 17, 2009

How Happy Should I Be?

I've been thinking about the post I wrote a few days ago, about drinking a peach. I was a bit nervous about that one. It was a very good peach, but - how happy should I be?

It's very possible that I was on the manic side that day. Not likely, because it didn't last very long, and I've been sleeping just fine, but when you're bipolar, "How happy should I be?" is a real question.

Because my manic swings have been few and far between, I don't know the warning signs nearly as well as I do for the onset of depression. Mostly I rely on two characteristics: inability to sleep, and becoming fascinated by a single subject. While it's true that I've been buying a lot of books lately, they've been on a variety of subjects, and instead of trying to read them all at once, they're stacked on my desk, waiting for a long weekend.

There are all kinds of strange questions that I ask myself when I might be manic. Is whatever I'm smiling about, something that others - "normal" people - might smile about too? If Ifeel really good, have I been taking my medicine reliably? Have I been behaving in loud ways, or drawing attention to myself in any way?

If all those questions get the right answers, then I assume I'm just having a bright spot, and I try not to worry about it. But there is a part of me that switches into self-monitoring mode. Although I know that kind of "responsible" behavior is what makes me relatively tolerable most of the time, it's also, well, a bit like having to clean the chalkboard after school because your jacks game got too loud.

No comments:

Post a Comment